tendaychallenge. partten.

its been far more than ten days, but i've been busy as allgetout.


One Confession-

I've been thinkning about this, and i'm not so sure. There are a lot of things that people don't know, and a lot of things people do know.

I guess my confession would be that, I simply cannot confess to the truth that needs to be told. There's been shit thats happened and i just cant talk about it. Shit that absolutley nobody knows about. It sucks and its painful, but i dont know i'll ever move on and get over it, i just have to deal.

tendaychallenge. partnine.

Two smileys describing my life right now.

1)   :P

2)   :(

tendaychallenge. parteight.

Four turn offs-

hmmm.

1) If i watch you play a show (: Mmmm.

2) Being funny. Like if we have inside jokes and connections.

3) Every individual guy has like special things about him that are sexy. So it depends.

tendaychallenge. partseven.

Four turn offs.

well,

1) being an asshole. just don't be mean to people for the heck of it.

2) a guy who is too goody goody. like its okay if you don't want to do certain things, but dont tell me or anyone else not to.

3) don't use me or anyone, and don't put me down. i've already dealt with that crap, and its so not worth it.

4) DO NOT EVER CHEAT. EVER. people who cheat are the absolute scum of the earth.



"I was living in a devil town, I didn't know it was a devil town. Oh lord it really brings me down about the devil town."

tendaychallenge. partsix.

i was being really slack and missed a day of this. so today, i'm doing five & six.


name five people who mean a lot
(i take this as people who have helped you out,and you couldnt live without. there are tons of people who mean a lot, but these have made the difference.)

-stevielaughead.
-aaronspeer.
-grammie.
-mom.
-*this space is left open for someone to come in, and change everything for me. help make things better, and shine their light into my life.*

tendaychallenge. partfive.

six things i wish i'd never done. oh dear.

1) february 21, 2009.

2) i should have said something. i'm sorry. to me, to you.

3) ohhh that saturday night during student government conference. and most of you only know half the story.

4) cared so much.

5) ^ that counts for two.

6) i should've never been so afraid. just do it if i want to do it.

tendaychallenge. partfour.

seven things that cross my mind a lot.

hmm.

1) what is it that i need to do today?

2) hmmmmph. this sucks.

3) i need to get more.

4) what are (family,friends) doing today?

5) why should i go to school

6) i try and focus on the things that i'm excited for

7) i wish this, this, and this.

tendaychallenge. partthree

eight ways to win my heart.

hmm, this is a difficult one.

1) Make me laugh. All the time. Tell me ridiculous stories, be corny, and witty. I love that.

2) Don't be an asshole to me, or other people. Especially if you act like a douche for no particular reason.

3) Like music. A lot. Extra points if you can make it in some way.

4) Be different.

5) Be spontanious. Call me and say, hey we're going on an adventure.

6) Be genuine always. Be yourself. Don't put on acts.

7) Show me off, to your friends, and your family. Its nice to know that you're proud of me.

8)Don't be scared. If i like you, i like you. Be assertive, just come right up and kiss me, stuff like that.



" This suit is blackpauseNOT."
i love my life sometimes.

tendaychallenge. parttwo.

Nine things about yourself-


1) I'm way different compared to your average person. I break rules, i take risks, participate in illegal activities. BUT HEY, guess what?? I'm ranked number 6 in my senior class, i love student government, i'm in theatre productions, i play in the orchestra. So, yeah. there arent too many of those walking around.

2) I'm not an expert at one particular thing. I'm good in a lot of things. This is a problem when it comes to deciding on a career.

3) I'm adopted. I dont know my birth family. I've been told i was given up because my biological parents loved me so much they wanted me to live a better life. I believed it when i was naive and didnt know any better. I dont blame them or anything for giving me up, i love them so much. I really want to meet at least my biological mother and figure out where i came from.

4) I dont have many good friends. I think most people like me and i'm nice to most everyone, but i just dont have a big group of friends. My close friends make up for it though. I would not be alive right now without them.

5) I rarely try my best. I know thats bad to say, but the only things i love and would try my best at, are things ive never been supported in. Believe me, i wouldnt be what i am without my family's support, but i could be much better.

6) musicmusicmusic. lovelovelove. i love music, not what you hear on the new top 40, but ACTUAL music. Newbrooklandtavern is my favorite place to be when someone awesome's playing. It takes me away from everything and makes my life.

7) I kindof, honestly, want to President of the United States one day. If this country isn't completely in ruins by the time i'm 35.

8) I love being carefree. Traveling, adventures, loving, growing and everything thats so natural about life, i love. I should have grown up in the sixties.

9) It's hard for me to describe myself. Ask me to describe my friends? I could do it. I just dont really know myself yet. I dont know exactly who i want to be.  I just want to live, and experience life.

tendaychallege. partone.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.



Day one, folks.

1) ihateyouihateyouihateyou. why hadn't you just died? everything would have been so much easier that way. no shame, it wouldnt be as painful, i wouldnt have to figure this shit out. like just go away and leave me alone. its easier for me to not deal with it now. stop the texts, stop the voicemails. i cant stand the heartbreak. and why the fuck did you work so hard to adopt me, to just bail. huh? why??? i dont get it. do you have any idea what it feels like to be left by two fathers? any whatsoever? i know i'm supposed to become so great person, do great things and be strong. to not let this affect me, and to keep me from being a good person, that hurting me wont hurt you. But i want you to know, that you are apart of this downfall.

2) Thanks. I love how you help me to laugh. I like that i can be a fun and carefree person when i'm with you. You are my very best friend. Lugoff sucks. Airport sucks. Time for something bigger. You know i'm always here for you, and you're always there for me.
 <3 Anchor (:

3) Man. updownupdownupdownupdown. you are an idiot. like seriousy? you cant not have any idea? but i guess thats part of it. i'm always here for you when i shouldnt be. i'm working on that. 

4) You have always been my rock. Keeping me grounded. But you need to start backing off just a little. Dont keep bringing it up. Asking if i'm okay, asking whats going on? that doesnt help me. when i come down to your house, unless i ask you, or talk about certain things, dont mention it. 

5) You are my best friend. Will be forever. you know whats going on. I think i tell you stuff and you always help me, but a lot of times you dont really know how to react when im trying to tell you that i'm not okay. I'm sorry for putting that pressure on you. i dont do it on purpose, i just need to tell SOMEONE. Just thanks so much for always being there and making me laugh.

6) Dont worry about me. Dont try and stop me. Just youve gotta let me go. If i want to do it, im going to do it. I need space. Please stop putting me down, and patronizing me. You may think that you are never as bad as him, but sometimes the things you say to me, really sticks, and tears me apart. I dont mind you having that man in your life now, but dont talk about him, and like his favorite sports team just because he likes them. we
arent in the fourth grade. You're 44.

7) What happened to you? You're such a wannabe. Like what? You used to be completely against the people youre such "good" friends with. What happened to being different? And not giving a shit. You are NOT better than anyone else. Nobody thinks that the way you act is cool, or attractive. Its just an act, and its ridiculous.

8) You arent as bad as ^ but its still weird. You were always the cool crazy girl who didnt give one flying fuck, now you become like everyone else.

9) I miss you. We shared almost everything. Although i know if we were friends now, we would be so destructive of ourselves, but i miss the fun we had. I hope you're doing okay.

10) I fucking hate you, you bitch whore homewrecker.
       (i believe that sums it up)


well, there you go.

4:43 P.M.

that's when it was finished. written on paper. definite. absolute. no turning back. change.

man, i hate change.

i hate things to be definite. i'm a fan of the infinite. not definite.

i feel like all of this has happened so fast, my life has been completely changed forever, and i had nothing to do with it. i had no control in anything that went on. thats why everything is just so unreal. its not real. please don't be real.

take me away,
away from here,
to a place thats new,
a place thats free.
let me be free.
i just want to float,
float away in the sunset sky.
take me to a new born star.
let me shine as bright as the sun,
shine like all heaven's glory.
forget everything.
only know that that shine.
that happiness and
that freedom,
is what holds me together.
piece
by
piece.



"When I told you I loved you, god damning I meant it. When I told you I loved you, good Jesus I meant it." - RAGC